7 Days of the WORST Christmas movies. Day 1 Deck The Halls
Deck the halls
SO I decided to torture myself with 12 days of awful Christmas movies. I was doing it for fun at first then I decided I should just go ahead and write movie reviews/commentary of each of them.
First up is Deck The Halls a 2006 movie directed by John Whitesell, it stars Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick, Kristin Davis, and Kristin Chenoweth.
First off wow! This is the first type of movie like this I’ve watched and it is crazy. It’s about Brodericks character who is a local pharmacist who hadn’t had a special Christmas and wants to make sure his children have a memorable christmas. Devito moves in across the street and decides he wants to do make his house visable from space to impress his family of incredibly hot wife and 2 daughters. This movie starts out kinda of crazy then about halfway through it kicks it up into nuts. Brodericks character at first is annoyed his neighbor has so many lights but then gets all angry that Devito is becoming known as the king of christmas! So what does he do? Decide to go straight psycho and dress up splinter cell style and throw a fucking snow ball into his fuse box which blows the fusebox and turns off all of the lights for a few moments before Devito kicks on a generator and they come back on.
There were so many moments in this movie where I stopped it and said I can’t finish it it’s too much but soldiered on. The most insane one was devito is a car salesman and forges brodericks name on a title so broderick gets mad then wagers that he’ll race him in a speed skating event and if he loses he will pay for the car. FIRST of all forging a name on a car title!? I’d call the cops straight up thats like a major fucking offense! Then just saying okay I’ll race you for the car. WTF?! What town has an annual speed skating event? Also fun fact broderick trained for several months for the 5 minute scene to be able to speed skate like a pro.
This film is fucking crazy I honestly had about 10 moments where I literally out loud yelled WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!
Obviously Broderick loses and taunts devito that you can’t see his house from space so devito spends all his remaining money buying all the lights he can possibly buy, sells his wifes family heirloom and then both of them fuck up their marriages by being certifiably insane(broderick buys hundreds of dollars worth of illegal fireworks and shoots them at devitos house)
In the end the whole town comes together with a ton of lights to make devitos dream come true and you see the house from space the two neighbors make up and MTV’s suchin Pak, and Kumar from harold and kumar say oh you can see the house from space the husbands and wives kiss and it ends…. LITERALLY THATS HOW IT ENDS! They rejoice
The best part about this movie is seeing the cameos from people who weren’t famous at the time but became famous.
This movie is a great movie to get together with your friends have some drinks and make stupid comments during. It’s insane. If you love awful movies like I do you’ll love it.
KEVIN SMITH RUINS THE FILM INDUSTRY!!!!! A RED STATE REVIEW!
I don’t think Kevin Smith ruined anything by the way. I just said that to get your adrenaline pumping so, if you’re a Jort enthusiast let your nerd rage boner subside, grab a bag of carrots and enjoy an insomnia fueled review by a formerly famous internet person entertain you.
Here is the trailer real quick!
I’ve always been a big film dork, when I was young, I would dress up like a ghostbuster and run around the house quoting lines from the movie. I have always felt infatuated with the process of making a film, along with the movie industry itself. Kevin Smith who is to say the least a veteran of the industry; decided to try a new way to get the equivalent of his junior year in film-school/pre-thesis film, out to his audience specifically. This audience has always been the main, single driving force behind his career and the main reason he has one. That being said, I’d rather discuss the movie than how it’s been released, so yes, *hits play*… *hit’s pause* OH! One more thing! I’d like to preface this with the fact that I’ve never been a huge Kevin Smith fan, I enjoy his films to an extent but his use of “Mamet Speak“ during more dramatic moments often took me out of what was taking place on screen.I really dig his podcasts and own all of the comics he has written though(bionic man 1 is great)…. ANYWAY *hits play again*
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The first thing I noticed about movie itself, is that a slightly washed out look it has, kinda like someone turned the brightness setting on avid/final cut pro all the way down leaving the entire movie to with a washed out, but never over-contrasted look; which aids the film at times but detracts from it as well. If you don’t know what the movie is about, the film itself starts off being about 3 friends who think they are going to turn a woman into a human fingertrap/airtight. They slam into the side of a car which ends up being the catalyst for the entire film, on the way to her trailer. The movie slowly dives into the lives of the Coopers, a fanatical religious faction similar to the current….. Screw it I know you know so anyway, In the beginning the film leads you to believe they are just fanatical instead of homicidal(you like that? I totally thought of that myself) The film quickly departs what most film-makers would consider “horror” into what is probably closer to true
here is my favorite moment from red state
I heard many people comparing this to a Tarantino film but it felt more like a Rob Zombie film, all the best elements about The Devils Rejects were in this movie. There were also many grindhouse, gritty moments where the main shock was characters you liked/loved being killed out of the blue than anything else. The colorization and of the film itself felt a lot like the “Devils rejects”, while the over-all tone and characterization had a very Bonnie and Clyde feel to it.
In my honest opinion of the movie. I enjoyed it. It wasn’t out of this world fantastic, it wasn’t terrible. There are things I did and did not like, just like every movie out there. On the bad side, some of the sets felt really incomplete, mostly in the church, some of the framing of key scenes felt too open and the movie as a whole felt rushed at a slim 88 minutes. On the good side, I’m sure you’ve read tons of praise about the acting, and don’t get me wrong, it’s very good, but I really enjoyed the barn scene where John Goodman is swatting away flies(if those flies weren’t digital they have perfect timing) I liked the ripped from the headlines story a lot. The ending scene though, blew my mind. I just fucking LOVED the last 10 minutes of the film. Perfect dialogue, perfect delivery just plain perfectly executed finale. All in all I didn’t fall in love with it but I enjoyed it enough to spend 3 days re-watching it. If you can afford $9.99 I definitely say rent it. It’s better than all of the movies that came out the weekend of September 3rd(I know this is a bit late, I worked all labor day weekend and had lots of homework) The only movie that I’d say looks better than Red State was is possibly Warrior. If you’re on the fence as to if you want to watch the movie still. Wait till it’s on redbox and rent it for a dollar!
ANYWAY! If you’re a Kevin smith fan I’d say don’t see this movie, it is NOT a Kevin smith movie, maybe 5-10 minutes out of the hour and 28 minutes and 29 seconds would be smith the rest is very dark to say the least…… I mean hey, it’s no pirates of the Caribbean but iggy biggy!
Red State is avaible in the united states ON DEMAND through all major cable providers INCLUDING the following, click on any of the links to watch it. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy your film!
Thank you for taking the time to skim through this as I slipped in and out of consciousness.
Enjoy the movie with friends and lowfat popcorn too!
Below are a list of places where you can watch them ON DEMAND!
- XBOX 360
- COMCAST
- ZUNE
- COX
- PLAYSTATION 3
- TIME WARNER CABLE
- AT&T
- DIRECTV
- CHARTER
- DISH NETWORK
- BRESNAN
- CABLE VISION
- MANY MORE…
Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show “review
So as you know I recently had knee surgery and have been basically stuck in bed for a week and 2 days and I’ve been watching a lot of streaming movies on netflix and I figured I’d start reviewing them after watching them so here is my first review for Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show.
To start with, even though his name is the first thing you read, there isn’t a whole hell of a lot of Vince in the movie/documentary but when he is it’s pretty damn funny. It’s hard to categorize the film itself because, yes it is about a touring comedy show but it actually shows more of the performers life on the road and a backstory behind each of the comedians than actual stand up. I think that factor though, makes the film more interesting, the jokes feel like they’re coming from somewhere real. It’s a movie that I recommend if you’re kinda bored and want to watch something that you don’t really have to think or follow a plot to. The comedians are funny, when Vince is on camera he seems both very genuine and very funny. It’s cool to see behind the scenes of the tour and life on the road. I do wish it were longer tough, that’s my only complaint.
3.5 out of 5 stars for a movie
4 out of 5 for a documentary if it were longer I’d give it a 5 out of 5
Jeff Takeovers all Vegetarian Double Down
2 boca or morningstar chikn patties
2 slices of veggie pepperjack cheese
2 pieces of morningstar fake bacon
“takeover sauce” recipe
2 tbs veggie mayo
1 tbs ketchup
1/2 tbs spicy mustard
(Heating times will be different depending on brand)
preheat oven to 450 when the oven is ready cook the chikn 12 minutes
while the chikn is cooking cook fake bacon in a saucepan with a tablespoon of olive oil until desired finish(i like mine brown and crunchie)
once the bacon is finished place it on a paper towel to let the excess oil drip off.
next it’s time to make the “Takeover Sauce” in a small bowl combine the veggie mayo, ketchup and spicy mustard, stirring until combined fully and place into a refrigerator
once the chikn patties are finished place the bottom on a plate, then place 1 piece of the veggie pepper jack cheese on the bottom chikn patty, next place the two strips of faux bacon on top of the cheese, then put the desired amount of “takeover sauce” on top of the bacon and then put the last piece of chikn on top and lastly place remaining piece of chikn on top of everything.
If you want the cheese melted i recommend microwaving it for 20 seconds just to get the cheese nice and melted
a picture of the finished product
Jeff Takeovers ORGASMIC Mac & Cheese
1/4 cup margarine
3tbsp all purpose flour
1/8 tsp dry mustard
1/8 tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper
1/8 tsp chili powder
2cups milk (I used almond milk)
2 cups 100% whole wheat elbow macaroni
2cups shredded cheddar cheese(i used fat free but some may not like the stringy texture it gives so 2% may be best)
1 cup crutons
Cook pasta
Preheat oven to 350
In medium saucepan melt butter blend in flour mustard salt and pepper
Cook until mixture is bubbly gradually add milk
Cook and stir mixture over heat until boiling
Gradually mix in cheese
Stir over low heat until cheese is melted
Add pasta mix together put in casserole dish and bake 25 min
Sloppy Jessica’s Recipe!
1 package ground soy crumbles (equivalent to 1lb ground beef) – I prefer BOCA or YVES
1 tbsp olive oil
1 small red onion, minced
1/2 red bell pepper, minced
1 (14.5oz) can crushed tomatoes
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp spicy brown mustard
2 tsp soy sauce
1 tsp chili powder
freshly ground black pepper
buns
In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat.
Add the bell pepper and onion and cook covered until soft (7 min)
Add tomatoes, sugar, mustard, soy sauce, chili powder, soy crumbles, salt and pepper. Stir.
Simmer for 10 minutes (stir frequently).
French inmate cuts mans chest open and eats his lung!
So I heard this story and decided since i hadn’t seen anyone post about it i’ll give you the deets!
A French inmate went on trial Monday and gave a gruesome confession, admitting to a judge that he killed his cellmate before cutting out his lung and eating it.
39-year-old Nicolas Cocaign appeared in court on charges of murder and acts of barbarism and told prosecutors that he killed Thierry Baudry on January 3, 2007.
The admittedly mentally ill man told prosecutors that he beat his victim with his fists before stabbing him with scissors and suffocating him with a plastic bag.
He then says he cut open Baudry’s chest and ate a part of his lung, which he mistook for the man’s heart, before taking out another piece and frying it for dinner on a makeshift grill.
When asked why he ate part of the man, Cocagin told prosecutors that he “wanted to take his soul” and said, “I was curious to see what he tasted like.”
At the time he was serving a prison sentence for rape while armed while Baudry was in prison for sexual assault.
A third man, David Lagrue, was reportedly in the cell at the time of the incident and was so disturbed that he later killed himself according to his former attorney.
An attorney for Cocagin says his client had repeatedly asked to be admitted to a psych ward before the killing but was turned down.
He is currently facing life in prison.
CUBAN veggie burger
2 teaspoons orange juice or tangerine juice
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
1 Morningstar Farms® Grillers® Original
1 very slice provolone cheese
1 slice tomato
1 slice dill pickle
1 whole wheat hamburger bun, split and toasted
In small bowl stir together orange juice, paprika, cumin and garlic powder. Brush on both sides of veggie burger. Cook burger according to package directions. Serve burger, cheese, tomato, onion and pickle in bun.
Jeff Takeovers Guide To Becoming Internet Famous
1)Tease your audience into thinking they’ll see naked girls, by using cleavage thumbnails and having girls wear scandalous things in your videos(nothing TOO risque you don’t wanna get flagged) every pre pubescent boy(which is most of youtube) will click on your video so hard that their mouse will break.
2) Pander to your audience make sure to make your videos simple and easy to digest and understand so they’ll be easy for the person with the lowest IQ able to watch them and enjoy them.
3) Steal other peoples ideas and call them your own! Every famous person stole things from someone else, changed it a little bit, and called it their own it happens just make sure you’re the one stealing and not the one being stolen from.
4) Sleep with someone whose already famous, if you haven’t noticed through out all media, if you get yourself in someone who is already populars bed you will become popular through the trickle down effect.
5) Cheat! Almost everyone who is famous on the internet has cheated, it’s a fact of life, youtube, twitter and myspace adders ran rampant 2-4 years ago.(twitter adders are still being used to date though) Bloggers use auto-refresh tools to increase their profile online.
6) REMEMBER your audience often is made up of those that are underage so if you’re older than 18 and act like you’re still 14 you won’t come off as immature, you’ll look cool and relatable.
7) SELL OUT! If someone offers you money for something even if you hate it, take their money and do it. Most of the people watching your videos won’t realize that you’re selling them products like video games, websites and such they’ll just write it off as you really enjoying those things even if you fucking hate the thing you’re promoting you can laugh and count the dollars
8) Make sure to come up with merchandise and when you do, wear your own t-shirts out in public, but if someone asks you what your shirt means, make sure to say “It’s just some person who does stuff online, you should check them out”
9) Hang out with other popular people online and form a clique cause everyone knows that the internet is just an extension of high school and if you’re not in the clique you’re nobody.
10) NEVER EVER reply to anyone whether it be via comments, or messages, that means making your AIM private and turning off facebook chat, you want to make those who watch your videos think you’re too good for them and force them to pretend that you’re talking to them via video.
So go! Use this knowledge i’ve shot all over your computer screen and become famous, you have it in you.
*note btw this is a satirical piece made for fun and is not based on any one person, don’t take it too seriously just enjoy it for what it’s supposed to be, tongue in cheek funnyness
The Unofficial history of Cupcakes.
Little is know about the origin of the first cupcake, who created it and why. After some extensive research I’ve written this essay on the truth behind the history of the cupcake.
In 1694 the Earl of Cake comishioned the cooks to discover a way to more effectively consume his favorite concauction, Icing. So one evening after toiling away his head cook a beautiful mousy woman named “Cupe’”(she was french obviously) was making a cake and didn’t have the correct pan to make it in. Cupe’ realized the only metal thing that she could make the cake was the Earls fancy goblet so Cupe’ snuck into the earl of cake’s bedroom while he was sleeping and stole his beloved metal goblet and baked her cake in it. The next morning when the Earl awoke to have a glass of water, his goblet was gone! He went into a rage smashing up his bedroom and threatening to be-head anyone who got in his way. Cupe’ heard the commotion and quickly tried to figure out how she could get away with making a cake in the Earl’s goblet, she ran to the other cooks and asked what the earl loved most. “ICING” they exclamed! she quickly grabbed icing and coating the top of the small cake to hopefully get the earl to not scream at her. The earl soon burst into the kitchen screaming for his goblet and saw the goblet filled with cake and icing he grabbed it angrily screaming for who had ruined his favorite goblet. Cupe’ stepped foward scared for her head(the earl had a pension for beheading). “Why did you ruin my favorite goblet?” The earl bellowed. “I was making a new way to eat icing” said Cupe’. The Earl glared at her for a few moments then grabbed a nearby spoon and shoved it into the goblet pulling up a bit of the cake and icing and bring it to his mouth. The Earl chewed, and chewed and chewed, then angrily slammed his goblet down on the counter. “AMAZING!” he exclaimed!!!! WHAT IS YOUR NAME!” He asked the young beautiful cook. “Cupe’ she said slightly taken aback. “THIS SHALL BE CALLED A CUPE’ CAKE!” the earl shouted. The kitchen rejoiced and it became the Earl’s favorite dish to which he had Cupe’ prepare every night for after his dinner.
So there you have it the facts behind the Cupe’ cake!
